Day Two

Hmm...since I am quick to recognize all my flaws and faults, I had to think about the things that I love about myself. I know you are not supposed to define yourself by your children, but I would say that one thing that I do love about myself is how natural it came for me to be a mother. When I think about who I am, the first thing that comes to mind is my kids and my family. It is almost like they are part of me, just another appendage, like an arm or a leg. I would say that my maternal side is something that I really embrace and love about who I am. It is truly ironic because I was always the one in my family that would say "I am NEVER, EVER going to have kids.", or "I can NOT stand kids!!!". I think that stems from me being the oldest child in my family and oldest grandchild on one side and one of the oldest on the other. At that time, kids seemed like a bother, but now I have a whole different viewpoint, especially since those little "bothers" in the family are all grown up and simply adored by yours truly. In a way, being a mom has heightened my sense of compassion and ability to empathize with what others are feeling. I find it hard to hurt others and when I do, it is often unintentional and consumes me with guilt and regret.

That is not the only thing I love...I LOVE my attention to detail. It is also a catch 22 though because it has caused me a great deal of mental fatigue and unrest because of my expectations, especially when it comes to household chores and organization (another love of my life). With children those expections are simply not practical. I can not expect to have a completely sterile house, free from crumbs and always have military-style perfect edges on the laundry folds (let alone EVER an empty laundry basket again!). Thankfully Mommy found ways to cope and thus, have acquired a greater sense of balance. I relapse occasionally, going on cleaning or organizing binges but that is usually when the house is a complete train wreck where there exists a definite need for my services.

I will go with one more...I love that I am finally starting to accept who I am physically. I am not perfect but the minor flaws do not matter anymore. Vanity means little to me these days. I used to be very obsessive with how I looked. I would run two or three times a day, starve myself, buy new clothes constantly, and have to look as good as I could. Any deviation from perfect was simply unacceptable to me. I have learned to be okay with who I am and those types of things just do not bother me anymore. There is a lot more to life than how you look and I wish I would have discovered that sooner. Do not get me wrong, I still like to dress up, do my hair, etc, but it is not a requirement to feeling fulfilled with life. Not having every hair in place is not going to break me. Back when I had body issues, I probably would have been severely depressed over my scar I have from my cesarean section from Colin. Having a beautiful healthy child was my focus, and my scar just tells another story of my blessed life.