Day One

I have really been having the itch to write so I decided to start this thirty day program where there is a different topic to expound upon each day. Day one's task is to talk about something that you hate about yourself. Why not a better place then in the beginning to just lay out all the bad stuff, all the negatives, and then roll with the positives, right? That's exactly what I said.

Being FAR from perfect, there are so many things about myself that I dislike or pieces of me in need of a HUGE improvement. Let us name a few...

First thing that I really would like to change about myself is that I am very indecisive and it takes me forever to make a decision. Then once I do make a decision, I question myself and second guess. This is a big fault of mine and it has caused me a lot of internal and external conflicts in my life. Family and friends can not STAND that I can never make a decision, and then when I think I have made one, I I go back on it. As far as the internal, it has caused me to never be at peace with any of my decisions and also reinforces my lack of confidence in myself which I believe is to blame for all of this due to many bad decisions in the past. How to fix this? I am not quite sure there is a solution. I would say that I need to go with my gut or even think things through logically, but whatever I chose to do, I need to STICK WITH IT. I am very logical, perhaps overly which also helps contribute to me never being able to make a decision. I am forever weighing the odds. Well the first step is admission of guilt so there is some what of a move in the right direction...

Another thing that I do not like about me is that I feel socially awkward a LOT! I do not like to speak in front of people, I feel like whatever comes out of my mouth is just something worthy of a good laugh (and not from one laughing WITH me, but instead AT me). I lack serious confidence and have a lot of insecurities which reinforce my sense of social awkwardness. Ever since I had the kids I feel as though my IQ plummeted to a negative number. Being out of school and learning environment for so long has turned me unable to speak intelligently. I feel like I am unable to have an intelligent conversation and not from not being able to comprehend, but instead by not being able to verbally announce what I have to say. I have no problem on paper or behind a computer screen, but something about a human face waiting for me to spit out what I have to say that blinds me. I guess the solution to this would be exposure to others more frequently, allowing myself to working on my speaking through practice as well as building self-confidence, which I clearly lack.

Lastly, I am not going to name them all, but another thing that bothers me is my lack of patience. I wish that I had more of it and sadly that is how I was constructed or what I have learned. I have improved upon this just by having kids, but having kids has also erased my patience at times. It makes no sense, and I can not explain it, but just ask someone who has children. I pray that I can continue to gain more patience as the years go by.

Stay tuned for Day Two for the next topic!