Saved

Before I found Christ, I was filled with anger and frustration. I made countless mistakes and always let my temptations get the best of me. My entire world revolved around me and my satisfactions with a lot of sin. My life was filled with compulsive and destructive behaviors. Truly I am lucky to be alive. I struggled with alcohol, relationships (all relationships), finances, jobs and many other life issues. Every time I drank, I always said “I’m NEVER drinking again”. Well, that was until the next night, of course. If I had continued on that path, I probably would not be here today.

My religious experience has been one that has existed all through my life, with Catholic school, church school, and especially thanks to my “Grandma D” for showing me the way and dragging me to church, sometimes every day of the week. She was always up at the crack of dawn saying her rosary to EWTN with the TV blasting. I can still remember the music to “…have mercy on us and of the whole world, for the sake of His sorrowful passion"... She used to drive me and my grandfather nuts, but in retrospect, those were the days. She was a wonderful, selfless and Godly woman whom I miss her dearly. My faith became a journey throughout the years as I continued on the destructive path. To this day the one thing that I regret most is not spending more time with my family when I lived home and had the chance. I also feel awful for some of my actions as I know many times I have hurt the ones that I love most. Many of them are no longer living as well and as you know, we cannot turn back the clock and have a “redo”. I struggled as a Catholic, and the struggle became real after my divorce. I began to really investigate religion, took a look at my belief system, began to read the Bible and had some pretty deep discussions with friends and family. My kids were my rock and turning point. I cannot imagine them waking up one day without a mother or them ever having to be ashamed to call me their “mom”.

A few months ago I read a book called “Expecting Adam”, a memoir of Martha Beck, a Harvard, type-A, extremely scholarly and focused woman who became pregnant with a Down syndrome child. She decided to, while not a popular choice at the time and against all her mentors’ advice, keep the baby. Beginning at the moment of conception, unexplained heavenly phenomenon begins to occur. It is really an uplifting and inspirational book. This book started my search for something more.

Immediately after, I read the book “Heaven is For Real”. Wow. That is pretty much all I can say about that. I decided at that point that I was going to change my life, be the best person I can be and I realized that in order to do this, I had to enlist the help of Jesus. I prayed (and prayed, and prayed some more) and asked God to help me release my anger and anxieties and give me the strength and the wisdom to forgive. I also asked for help with my compulsions and behaviors that were out to ruin me. It was amazing. I KNOW it sounds crazy, believe me, I do. I began noticing the ability to view people in my life with love, despite who they are or what they have done. I had forgiven; I had released my anger and was forgiven myself. I had a second chance. I consider this the moment I was truly saved and it has been life changing. I have made countless positive changes since and I continue to try and do the best I can. I also believe it is a two way street and more than I ask of Him, I thank Him. Realistically, we are truly blessed in this life, and there are MANY people that have it a lot worse than us, believe me. I thank God just about every day for what He has done for me and blessed me with. I never take one day for granted, and I enjoy (almost) every moment ;-). It does not matter how many times a day I see them, but whenever I look into my child's eyes, give them a hug or just watch them play, my heart melts. One of the best things that God has blessed me with is the ability to love others, including Him.

Day Six

Something I hope I never have to do.

Other than the obvious, I hope I never have to beg for food to feed my family or have to sleep in my car to keep my family safe. I take nothing for granted and truthfully thank God every day or at least think about my blessings and how fortunate I am. I know that it can all change in an instant, taking us out of our comfort zone and on to the street. For too many people this is a reality, not so much in this country, but around the world.

I also hope that I never have to give up freedoms that are protected by the Constitution. We must continue to fight so that they are not taken away. We must continue to exercise our right to vote and stay informed. We are very fortunate to be able to live in a country where we are able to express ourselves. Some people take it to extremes and have a completely warped mentality, in my opinion (for example the Occupy Movement) but we are free to demonstrate and express our thoughts and views.

Day Five

Something you hope to do in your life...

Here's ten because I do not feel like writing much tonight :-)

1. Learn a second language, and how to use my sewing machine
2. Go back to school
3. Use my passion for the earth and rocks and start mining again
4. Eat at Hell's Kitchen
5. Run a complete marathon
6. Give back in some fashion to my fellow wo/man
7. Explore photography, alternative medicines, differential equations, chemistry and quantum physics
8. Wine and dine on the Mediterranean
9. Write a book perhaps and COMPLETELY read the entire Bible
10. Meet Bob Harper and thank him for helping people change their lives

Day Four

Day 4...Something I have to forgive someone else for...

Honestly, I blame no one in MY OWN life for the way things have turned out. I feel that I am completely the one with my hands on the wheel. Life is way to short to play the blame game. I believe that people need to step up to the plate and take responsibility for their own actions and life. Ultimately it is up to you. Obviously there are people out there that are real victims, but after the healing it is time to let go and get on with life. I know it is easier said than done sometimes. I am sure people have hurt me in the past, but I have long gotten over it and forgiven those individuals. I do not hold any one responsible for any actions that need forgiving any longer. I would say that I am probably too forgiving, but I am okay with that. I can not hang onto angry emotions when it comes to the people in my life. I have great love for the everyone that I am blessed with knowing and accept them for what they have done, good and bad. I know many things are unintentional in love. We have all tried our hardest at times and that is all that matters. With love, comes forgiveness.

On another note, however, I find it hard to watch the news. I am very empathetic toward anything I see, whether it is happy, sad or repulsive. Too many times is it sad and just downright horrible. I am extremely sensitive when it comes to people placing harm to others in cold blood. I just do not understand how a human being can do some of these things and then I get very, very angry. This is especially true when it comes to victims of horrific crimes. As many of you who know me, I followed the Caylee Anthony story from Day One. As the clock ticked and more information came out about her mother and her bizarre behavior, I grew so angry. I followed the entirety of the case and was less than thrilled with the outcome and the decision of the jury as I feel justice simply was not served. My point is that I need to learn how to forgive others in life who do horrible things, I just do not know how. In that aspect of forgiveness, I have some deficiencies. I think that many people do. It is hard to forgive someone who has committed the most heinous crimes. And that my friends, is why I do not watch the news.

Day Three

Something I need to forgive myself for...

This one I am not going into detail on, but let me just say that I have no (or very little) regrets. I may regret some of my actions and means, but not my decisions. These choices made the path that I currently am on today, and as we know, one small decision as simple as going to the store can have a huge impact. Had I made a decision so minute as that, I would not have joined the military, met either of my husbands, nor would I have had my children, so for these EVEN small decisions I am very thankful. Any deviation could have set a domino effect on a completely different path and I would be missing out on what I truly was intended for.

That being said, and having very little regret, I guess something that I have to forgive myself for is not living up to my true potential. I have a very strong math and science grasp, yet many times I feel like a failure, like I have not became all that I could have been and used my God-given talent. I see endless people my age, very successful and I look down on myself for that. Time has not left me though and through my determination, will figure out a way to use what I have been blessed with. One way to help me cope with these feelings is to view the successes in life at different angles. I too am successful, just with something completely different.

Day Two

Hmm...since I am quick to recognize all my flaws and faults, I had to think about the things that I love about myself. I know you are not supposed to define yourself by your children, but I would say that one thing that I do love about myself is how natural it came for me to be a mother. When I think about who I am, the first thing that comes to mind is my kids and my family. It is almost like they are part of me, just another appendage, like an arm or a leg. I would say that my maternal side is something that I really embrace and love about who I am. It is truly ironic because I was always the one in my family that would say "I am NEVER, EVER going to have kids.", or "I can NOT stand kids!!!". I think that stems from me being the oldest child in my family and oldest grandchild on one side and one of the oldest on the other. At that time, kids seemed like a bother, but now I have a whole different viewpoint, especially since those little "bothers" in the family are all grown up and simply adored by yours truly. In a way, being a mom has heightened my sense of compassion and ability to empathize with what others are feeling. I find it hard to hurt others and when I do, it is often unintentional and consumes me with guilt and regret.

That is not the only thing I love...I LOVE my attention to detail. It is also a catch 22 though because it has caused me a great deal of mental fatigue and unrest because of my expectations, especially when it comes to household chores and organization (another love of my life). With children those expections are simply not practical. I can not expect to have a completely sterile house, free from crumbs and always have military-style perfect edges on the laundry folds (let alone EVER an empty laundry basket again!). Thankfully Mommy found ways to cope and thus, have acquired a greater sense of balance. I relapse occasionally, going on cleaning or organizing binges but that is usually when the house is a complete train wreck where there exists a definite need for my services.

I will go with one more...I love that I am finally starting to accept who I am physically. I am not perfect but the minor flaws do not matter anymore. Vanity means little to me these days. I used to be very obsessive with how I looked. I would run two or three times a day, starve myself, buy new clothes constantly, and have to look as good as I could. Any deviation from perfect was simply unacceptable to me. I have learned to be okay with who I am and those types of things just do not bother me anymore. There is a lot more to life than how you look and I wish I would have discovered that sooner. Do not get me wrong, I still like to dress up, do my hair, etc, but it is not a requirement to feeling fulfilled with life. Not having every hair in place is not going to break me. Back when I had body issues, I probably would have been severely depressed over my scar I have from my cesarean section from Colin. Having a beautiful healthy child was my focus, and my scar just tells another story of my blessed life.

Day One

I have really been having the itch to write so I decided to start this thirty day program where there is a different topic to expound upon each day. Day one's task is to talk about something that you hate about yourself. Why not a better place then in the beginning to just lay out all the bad stuff, all the negatives, and then roll with the positives, right? That's exactly what I said.

Being FAR from perfect, there are so many things about myself that I dislike or pieces of me in need of a HUGE improvement. Let us name a few...

First thing that I really would like to change about myself is that I am very indecisive and it takes me forever to make a decision. Then once I do make a decision, I question myself and second guess. This is a big fault of mine and it has caused me a lot of internal and external conflicts in my life. Family and friends can not STAND that I can never make a decision, and then when I think I have made one, I I go back on it. As far as the internal, it has caused me to never be at peace with any of my decisions and also reinforces my lack of confidence in myself which I believe is to blame for all of this due to many bad decisions in the past. How to fix this? I am not quite sure there is a solution. I would say that I need to go with my gut or even think things through logically, but whatever I chose to do, I need to STICK WITH IT. I am very logical, perhaps overly which also helps contribute to me never being able to make a decision. I am forever weighing the odds. Well the first step is admission of guilt so there is some what of a move in the right direction...

Another thing that I do not like about me is that I feel socially awkward a LOT! I do not like to speak in front of people, I feel like whatever comes out of my mouth is just something worthy of a good laugh (and not from one laughing WITH me, but instead AT me). I lack serious confidence and have a lot of insecurities which reinforce my sense of social awkwardness. Ever since I had the kids I feel as though my IQ plummeted to a negative number. Being out of school and learning environment for so long has turned me unable to speak intelligently. I feel like I am unable to have an intelligent conversation and not from not being able to comprehend, but instead by not being able to verbally announce what I have to say. I have no problem on paper or behind a computer screen, but something about a human face waiting for me to spit out what I have to say that blinds me. I guess the solution to this would be exposure to others more frequently, allowing myself to working on my speaking through practice as well as building self-confidence, which I clearly lack.

Lastly, I am not going to name them all, but another thing that bothers me is my lack of patience. I wish that I had more of it and sadly that is how I was constructed or what I have learned. I have improved upon this just by having kids, but having kids has also erased my patience at times. It makes no sense, and I can not explain it, but just ask someone who has children. I pray that I can continue to gain more patience as the years go by.

Stay tuned for Day Two for the next topic!