Before I found Christ, I was filled with anger and frustration. I made countless mistakes and always let my temptations get the best of me. My entire world revolved around me and my satisfactions with a lot of sin. My life was filled with compulsive and destructive behaviors. Truly I am lucky to be alive. I struggled with alcohol, relationships (all relationships), finances, jobs and many other life issues. Every time I drank, I always said “I’m NEVER drinking again”. Well, that was until the next night, of course. If I had continued on that path, I probably would not be here today.
My religious experience has been one that has existed all through my life, with Catholic school, church school, and especially thanks to my “Grandma D” for showing me the way and dragging me to church, sometimes every day of the week. She was always up at the crack of dawn saying her rosary to EWTN with the TV blasting. I can still remember the music to “…have mercy on us and of the whole world, for the sake of His sorrowful passion"... She used to drive me and my grandfather nuts, but in retrospect, those were the days. She was a wonderful, selfless and Godly woman whom I miss her dearly. My faith became a journey throughout the years as I continued on the destructive path. To this day the one thing that I regret most is not spending more time with my family when I lived home and had the chance. I also feel awful for some of my actions as I know many times I have hurt the ones that I love most. Many of them are no longer living as well and as you know, we cannot turn back the clock and have a “redo”. I struggled as a Catholic, and the struggle became real after my divorce. I began to really investigate religion, took a look at my belief system, began to read the Bible and had some pretty deep discussions with friends and family. My kids were my rock and turning point. I cannot imagine them waking up one day without a mother or them ever having to be ashamed to call me their “mom”.
A few months ago I read a book called “Expecting Adam”, a memoir of Martha Beck, a Harvard, type-A, extremely scholarly and focused woman who became pregnant with a Down syndrome child. She decided to, while not a popular choice at the time and against all her mentors’ advice, keep the baby. Beginning at the moment of conception, unexplained heavenly phenomenon begins to occur. It is really an uplifting and inspirational book. This book started my search for something more.
Immediately after, I read the book “Heaven is For Real”. Wow. That is pretty much all I can say about that. I decided at that point that I was going to change my life, be the best person I can be and I realized that in order to do this, I had to enlist the help of Jesus. I prayed (and prayed, and prayed some more) and asked God to help me release my anger and anxieties and give me the strength and the wisdom to forgive. I also asked for help with my compulsions and behaviors that were out to ruin me. It was amazing. I KNOW it sounds crazy, believe me, I do. I began noticing the ability to view people in my life with love, despite who they are or what they have done. I had forgiven; I had released my anger and was forgiven myself. I had a second chance. I consider this the moment I was truly saved and it has been life changing. I have made countless positive changes since and I continue to try and do the best I can. I also believe it is a two way street and more than I ask of Him, I thank Him. Realistically, we are truly blessed in this life, and there are MANY people that have it a lot worse than us, believe me. I thank God just about every day for what He has done for me and blessed me with. I never take one day for granted, and I enjoy (almost) every moment ;-). It does not matter how many times a day I see them, but whenever I look into my child's eyes, give them a hug or just watch them play, my heart melts. One of the best things that God has blessed me with is the ability to love others, including Him.
